If Not Now, When?

Letting go

2012-02-03T00:13:00.002+09:00

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day. Dalai Lama

A very belated and very happy New Year to all of you out there. This is a time of changes and new beginnings, as people have made new commitments to positive change and personal growth in 2012. Whether it's a new year, a new chapter in life, a new job, a new relationship, or a new day, the time is right to make a positive change for personal growth.

I recently posted the above quote to my Facebook page, (by the way, please "like" my page if you haven't already : www.facebook.com/VivaciousLiving) and the weight of the quote didn't really hit me until a couple of days later. I had been talking with a friend about my need to make every interaction meaningful, and now this level of intensity can be uncomfortable for most people. This need for meaningfulness in my daily life also makes me appear to be super serious and high-strung. Though I don't deny that these facets of my personality appear when I'm at my worst, I'm actually very laid-back, or at least like to think so.

This urgency to eliminate superficialness from my life manifested itself during my cancer diagnosis at the end of 2006. My diagnosis is another topic that I have avoided since beginning this blog that I hope to touch on at a later date. At any rate, finally becoming aware of my own mortality changed me.

However we don't have control over other people or most of our circumstances; we only have control over our own actions and reactions to the things around us. Thus the reason I think the above quote hit me so hard. Though not a Buddhist myself, I am a fan of the tenets of the religion, most importantly how our suffering is manifested from our attachments. We will all experience loss in our lives, from the death of a loved one to the slow dissolution of a once very close friendship. For peace of mind and even personal happiness, we have to accept this as inevitable. Thus why it's so important to live each day in the present, and make the interactions in our important relationships count. Like the Dalai Lama says, our relationships with others are like the days...it is up to us to make each of them count while we are blessed with the fleeting opportunity of experiencing them.

Disharmony

2011-08-13T01:41:00.002+09:00

I have to pat myself on the back because, despite what's been going on in my personal and professional life recently, I still have managed to boot up the work laptop and write another blog entry. Sometimes just doing something small gives you that little push that you need to get the momentum going.

I feel that there has been a steady decline the past few months of my energy and positive outlook; that my life isn't jiving that well. It's a small thing that nags at the back of your mind, like when your car is out of alignment and you can kind of feel that something is wrong when you're on the road, but not sure. Like listening to a symphony and hearing that one violin off key, but you can't quite place it...

What has been really centering to me today was getting to a cafe and re-reading all of my coaching materials in preparation for launching my business stateside. I read up on values and living by one's values, and I also read over my list of values that I defined during my coaching studies, as well as the list of energy drainers in my life at the time (very different from now, since all of this was done in Japan). I realized that I have not kept up with reevaluating my life periodically, and in doing so, have lost sight of living my life in accordance with said values as well as pinpointing my current stressors and devising strategies to minimize them. Life is an continuous project in motion, and if you don't keep up with its development and shore up reserves for those unexpected twists and turns, it creates a lot of extraneous strife.

One of the hardest things when times are very bleak is to hold onto some type of hope or faith that the bad times will end (hint: they will, but you might be so preoccupied you miss it) and there will be more good times to be had. But sometimes it's not about having hope or faith, but using that last bit of energy to do something new with your day, whether it's order a different drink from Starbucks (I did this today, got a delicious mocha to treat myself instead of just a regular coffee), taking a different path to work, or going to a new place for lunch. Who knows what new and motivating experience you might have by making a simple change like this.

So next time you are struggling, do something small and different with your day. At the very least, you could have a positive impact on someone else around you, and that's always a mood booster. Until next time.

Changes, changes

2011-07-27T05:01:00.004+09:00

I feel incredibly embarrassed that over a year has passed since my last entry. I recently got motivated again to write after I saw a new blog post from my childhood friend, who had let her blog lapse as well. As always with the passage of a large interval of time, many things have happened since I last wrote here.

For one, I am no longer in Japan. I left the country in November of last year, and the readjustment to the Western lifestyle has been a challenge to say the least. I never had any homesickness when I went to Japan, but I have had a terrible case of reverse homesickness that doesn't seem to be letting up.

Why did I leave? There were several reasons, from wanting a change to lack of professional growth, etc etc., and my lovely peer coaches and friends helped me greatly through this process. I was able to use several of the tools that I learned through my coaching courses to make an informed and heartfelt decision.

My coaching has been on somewhat of a hiatus since I returned almost 9 months ago (the time has just FLOWN by) while I have gotten used to mundane things like driving everywhere (annoying), writing checks (super annoying), and sorely missing all the conveniences of Japan.

Though with all my lamentations about leaving my second home, there is something very refreshing and liberating to feel like you are finally on your own path, on your own terms, with dreams and goals fully laid out. Though I loved Japan dearly, what I was doing there for work was just to pay the bills, and I felt that I was suffocating and not living up to my true potential.

The hardest thing to keep in mind during the dark times, when I was scared to leave Japan, scared that I was making a big mistake that I wouldn't be able to undo easily, scared of having to leave my social circle of loving and supportive friends, was that you always have to keep moving forward. Doors will always open for you. It could be doing something as simple as choosing to eat at a new restaurant for a change, where you could meet someone who might change your life forever, or even going to a different gas station to get gas. Change is a constant. You have to be open to it or you invite a lot of frustration and suffering.

I am looking forward to this new path in my life and where it will take me. I still consider what's going on now just a transitional thing and things will all fall into place with a little positive thinking and patience.

You Never Really Know...

2010-05-13T14:50:00.003+09:00

Hi everyone. Here in Japan the weather is getting warmer and nicer, and I couldn't be happier. For a few weeks there, we had horrible weather. It was rainy and cold for much longer than usual, and it put a real damper on the cherry blossom season this year. Last week what Golden Week, a series of national holidays where it seems like everyone in Japan makes a great exodus at the same time. I usually choose to stay home during this time, and this year was no exception.

I have started my next coaching class, and despite feeling a bit hesitant prior to the class starting, after our first class I felt motivated and ready to continue my studies. This class is much smaller than my intro class, with only 6 students. We will be full-on coaching during our classes with volunteer clients and receive evaluations afterwards. These observations are stressing me out a bit, because being watched and evaluated always makes me nervous. However I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Today's entry is something I've been pondering in my head for a while. I wasn't quite sure of the focus of the story or how it would be of benefit to those of you who are reading. But the two experiences I will talk about greatly helped me to be more understanding and compassionate with others. Because you never really know what's going on behind the scenes with another person, and their obnoxiousness / defensiveness / attitude could have very different origins from what you might assume in your daily interactions. Being more "neutral", for lack of a better term, will decrease your stress and irritability, and allow you to conserve your mental energy for other tasks.

These two stories in particular involve individuals who were not abrasive or offensive, but from these interactions I was able to alter my reactions or assumptions with other, more stressful situations, and it has really helped.

A lot of you know that I teach ESL part-time. This involves interacting with dozens of different people every day. A lot of these people can really try my patience, especially when I'm having a bad bout of insomnia. One particular student started coming in for lessons about two months ago. He seemed very upbeat and motivated about his studies, which is a rare treat in the Japanese ESL industry. However, the first time we worked together, he plopped himself down across from my next and matter-of-factly said,

"My wife just died, so I'm here to learn English."

I was having a particularly good day that day, and this confession out of the blue floored me and really bummed me out. (I have since learned to protect myself from being too affected by these random confessions. Happens more than you would think.)I was speechless for about 5 seconds but expressed my condolences and went on with the lesson.

He has come in several times since then, and always is in a very good mood and studies hard. He has since told me that he is planning a trip around the world (in only 10 days) in August, something he promised his late wife he would do. Whenever he comes in I always find myself observing him, thinking, "How does he really feel? What goes on with him when no one else can see? Why isn't he taking time off to grieve?" Seeing him continue on with his life has given me a lot of strength and reaffirmed that, no matter what, we all have to keep looking forward. No matter what, a smiling face and upbeat attitude does not mean the person's life is all roses, so no need to feel envious about another's perceived happiness.

The second also involves a student of mine, a young woman. I have never seen this woman not smiling. Ever. She is always very cheerful, friendly, and laughs it off when she makes mistakes. Of course, she makes so many mistakes that the anal part of me has sometimes gotten irritated, thinking she wasn't taking her studies seriously and was wasting my time. Until one day a couple of weeks ago when I asked,

"You are always smiling. You look so happy all the time. What's your secret?"

She told me that, when she was young, she almost drowned in the bathtub. Her mother saved her. She didn't give me anymore details than that, but she said in Japanese, "After that, I decided that simply being alive was reason enough to be happy."

To make such a profound realization at such a young age really moved me. I complimented her on her strength and courage and continued on with the lesson. In this case, her reason for being happy was triggered by a very traumatic event at a very young age, which shaped her way of thinking for the rest of her life. And here I was, being irritated because I thought she wasn't being serious enough.

Again, my realization that a person's current state of happiness is no way indicative of their entire life was reinforced. After having these two experiences, I've made a point to be much more patient with my other students, because I have no idea what's going on behind the scenes. I've also become more patient and open-minded about strangers I run across every day. Because you never know what is going on with that person.

Someone bumps into you on the sidewalk and doesn't apologize? Sure he or she might be rude or aggressive. In fact, that's often the first thought anybody has. Then you get angry because the person didn't properly apologize and you carry that anger with you the rest of the day. Perhaps bumping into someone else, and not apologizing to them! Paying the anger forward, so to speak. However, maybe the person who bumped into you is normally a very nice and considerate person, but something has happened that has caused them to drop that considerateness for the time being. Unfortunately, the both of you crossed paths at a bad time. However, keeping an open mind helps you stay stress-free and keeps those negative, emotionally-draining thoughts at bay.

You never really know what is going on with another person, so try not to let their behaviors get to you. More often than not, it has nothing to do with you. By keeping an open mind and exploring all of the possibilities, you have more compassion for your fellow man, and you keep your spirits up. This is difficult to do when you yourself are in a bad mood, but I encourage you all to try it. Keep an open mind and focus on your own happiness, and other things will fall into place.

Life Happens...

2010-03-30T15:45:00.002+09:00

As they say in coaching, "Life happens between calls". I suppose life happens between blogs, too!

I set out to do a bimonthly blog, very eager to reach people looking for coaches and to offer my readers inspiration and get them motivated to make positive changes in their lives. Perhaps I was a tad too bold in setting that type of commitment.

As I make my list of blog topics to muse on, I sometimes get the feeling that everyone has heard the same things before. I am a voracious reader, and read all kinds of self-help/self-improvement/empowerment books and take the parts that I like to craft my own coaching style. I read things from the clinically mundane to the way-out-there, new age-y stuff. If someone was willing to publish it, then someone found something of value worth sharing with the world.

So my question for my readers is, what would you like to hear about? What kinds of topics would benefit you the best? What are you interested in? What topics are you NOT interested in? Any feedback would be appreciated. I also have a mailing list in the works so that I can deliver my content to my readers directly, for people who prefer that style.

Being all right with your flaws

2010-02-19T16:26:00.003+09:00

Hello everyone! I hope the year has gotten off to a good start for all of you. As for me, I have started my second course in coaching, and plan to take a third starting in May. It's interesting since the majority of my classmates tend to be 10 to 20 years older than me, with established careers, families, lives, etc. Sometimes I feel I'm a bit "young" to be getting into this kind of work, but then a new person will come into my life, whom I am able to help, and I get right back into my studies with renewed vigor.

Sometimes it can be difficult to live authentically, since we get so many messages from the media and those around us on how we are supposed to be. When we are unable to fit that mold, it causes a lot of stress and self-resentment. If your strengths are thought of as flaws at a societal level, it can be very difficult to feel alright with being yourself. For example, classic American values place importance on individualism, responsibility, directness, and efficiency. In Japan, as I'm sure most of you are aware of, society values harmony, dedication to a larger group, deference to authority, and self-sacrifice.

What if you are American, yet prefer deferring to the group? You are criticized for lacking decisiveness and leadership, when maybe it's just simply all about you enjoying being left alone and just doing your job and going with the flow.

What if you are Japanese, and want to go home from work at a decent hour, because you love your family and want to spend time with them? You are criticized for not being a team player and will be passed over for promotions since you lack the self-sacrifice that will benefit the greater good of the company. Thankfully, this is slowly, slowly changing. But what if you are really a team player and do work hard at your job, yet it's simply about wanting to spend more time with the people you love?

People will always criticize 1) what they don't understand (and don't want to understand) 2) what they fear out of ignorance 3) what they secretly desire, yet can't have, for one reason or another. On a social level, where certain traits are highly favored, this can leave a large part of the population feeling unwanted and unnecessary.

There is variety and diversity in the human race for a reason. The flaws people and society may see in you are a blessing in other ways. The universe desires a balance of traits.

You are who you are for a reason, and you have been blessed with gifts that, despite what others may think, are very powerful in a good way, and can be used to create a fulfilling life.

I'd like to close with a Chinese parable called, "The Cracked Pot". After reading, take some time to ponder how your perceived flaws might not be flaws at all.

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One pot had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream:
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path. Every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

New Year, New Beginnings

2010-01-14T11:49:00.002+09:00

Better late than never, right?

My time home was very enjoyable, and now I am back in Japan and ready to make some progress in my studies as well as in my coaching business. Previously, I wrote on the importance of self-care, and despite feeling knowledgeable about the subject, my time home and my subsequent time off when I got back really drove home how important this is, especially with regards to making sure you have ample reserves of energy, sleep, patience, and time to deal with unexpected changes that are part of everyday life.

Truth be told, due to some personal issues, I returned to Japan with a less-than-enthusiastic mindset about my coaching business and my future in general. I felt depleted, desperate, and totally opposed to giving my energy towards the betterment of others. Then, I had a week off where I holed myself up in my apartment and slept until I felt like getting up, did meditation and yoga, practiced mindfulness, and burned lots of incense. I initially felt guilty about "wasting" so much time, as sitting at home when I could be traveling or meeting with friends is what I felt I should be doing. (Note: more on those pesky "shoulds" at a later date)

When I stopped feeling guilty about what I thought I should be doing and instead looked at this time off as an opportunity to recharge, something remarkable happened. My first day back at work was fun, I was less irritable, I enjoyed my time at work, and had an overall feeling of well-being. Through this experience, I learned that I need to incorporate time into my schedule where I am not doing mentally-excitable activities like socializing, traveling, studying, etc. This puts me on the fast track to severe mental drain. Hot baths, vegging out in front of the TV, reading, meditating, and just unplugging from the grid for a couple of days can mean all the difference to me.

I am happy to see 2009 go, as it ranks up there with the worst of my years on earth, to date. The big plus that came out of 2009 was making a new group of friends which have had an extraordinarily positive influence on my life and I feel very blessed to have crossed paths with such exciting people. I come into 2010 with a better sense of my personal needs and desires, and a better idea of the balance I need to consciously create in my life. I hope everyone out there has also reflected on the previous year and come out of it with more knowledge about themselves and where they want to go.

Self-Care, not Self-Repair!

2009-11-20T01:33:00.004+09:00

Hello everyone! I have made it back safe and sound to sunny Florida. I am blessed with sunny weather and even slept on the plane! I can never sleep on planes. Getting a good 6-hour nap has really helped me get over jet lag quickly. I will be spending a month at home replenishing my energy and recharging during the downtime. A month is quite a long time, and if I took better care of myself on a daily basis (more on this later) I would not need such a long vacation, hence the topic of today's post.

The key point of proper self-care is whether it is performed as maintenance or damage control. Do you have bodywork done? If so, is it because you suffer from stiff shoulders (damage control), or because it feels good and you enjoy indulging yourself? (maintenance). If you postpone being good to yourself until you hit damage mode, it somewhat defeats the purpose. It becomes self-repair instead of self-care.

Treating yourself well will help prevent the need for damage control as well as shore up energy reserves that can quickly be depleted in times of severe stress, illness, or trauma. Expensive massages are not a necessity, for example hot baths with healing salts, daily meditation, a yoga routine, or a morning walk are all forms of self-care. For couples, getting a good book on massage techniques is a very low-cost way of doing bodywork with the added bonus of increasing your quality-time together.

Figure out the little things that you enjoy, and find a way to incorporate them into your daily or weekly routine. Your body and mind will thank you for it.

The Story of Rose

2009-11-05T11:39:00.000+09:00

It's getting quite cold over here in Tokyo! I'll be spending a month back home in Florida starting next week. Three weeks will be spent visiting various doctors, and the final week will be spent on a cruise to the Caribbean! I hope to talk about that in a later post.

Things have been quite hectic since my last post, and I have been coming up with new themes and topics to discuss in future posts. If any of you out there have any suggestions or requests, please feel free to contact me!

Today I would like to share the story of Rose with you. This story is printed in my coaching manual, and made the rounds on the Internet about 10 years ago. The author is unknown but the story has been published on various sites. For those of you who haven't read it yet, I hope it encourages you to take more risks in your life, and damn the consequences.

===============================================
The Story of Rose

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze. "Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed, she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began:

"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success."

"You have to laugh and find humor every day."

"You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!"

"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change."

"Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.Follow Your Dreams, and remember to buy Roses for your Grandma!

We send these words in loving memory of Rose.

Remember:

--Growing older is mandatory, growing up is optional!

Pleasures and Gratifications

2009-10-20T13:59:00.000+09:00

I have always had a love of learning, and despite not going into the psychology field, I am very glad that I majored in it. As with most things in my life, I didn't have specific plan upon entering college. If I remember correctly, I chose my alma mater (Stetson University) because they had a good sports medicine program, and at that time, I was interested in maybe being a trainer. That lasted probably about halfway through the first semester of my freshman year. I don't think it's a coincidence that one of my first classes in the sports med track was Sports Psychology.

During my junior year, I still hadn't declared a major, so I went to the records office (or wherever they kept a list of the classes I had taken), asked for a copy of my class history, and decided my major right then and there based on which area I had taken most of my classes. This wound up being psychology. I loved every class I took, with the exception of the statistics class and my Senior Thesis class. Research was so boring to me, and I had the unfortunate experience of making all the necessary changes to my thesis as requested by my professor, only to have him give me a low B...despite following all of his recommendations! JERK!

I have continued with leisurely reading in this field since I graduated. Most of my reading has involved books on personal development, personality, spiritual growth, etc. A fairly new field in psychology is called Positive Psychology, headed by the very-famous Dr. Seligman. There is a link to his site, Authentic Happiness, on the right side of my blog. I bought his book, which has the same title, to learn more about this field. I want to write on many topics covered in his book, but this time, I would like to focus on Pleasures and Gratifications.

Dr. Seligman makes a distinction in his book between the above two aspects of happiness. Pleasures involve our more basic ways of acquiring happiness via the senses, which have a strong, immediate, and short-lasting emotional aspect. These would involve eating delicious chocolate, awesome sex, smelling your favorite perfume, a post-workout high, etc. Higher on the scale might be enjoying an expensive cognac or a luxurious spa package. It's very easy to see clearly that this is how the majority of people operate in first-world countries in order to improve their mood in day-to-day life, to the point of excess. Seligman points out, (and those of us who eat a whole tub of strawberry cheesecake ice cream already shamefully know) repeated exposure in a short time to the shame stimulus severely blunts the body's response. The fifth spoonful of Haagen-Dazs doesn't taste as heavenly as the first, and the last spoonful of the carton DEFINITELY tastes the worst. Yet we keep consuming, buying, eating, screwing, etc. trying to recreate that first high, without any downtime for our minds to reset.

In my own experience, I would even go as far to say that there's a negative component, as our increasing frustration with being unable to reach that initial high causes anxiety, frustration, and in some cases, maybe even desperation.

Whereas Gratifications, as Seligman calls them, require work to achieve, without any strong emotional component, yet we like doing them anyways.

Spending countless hours in cafes studying to receive Level 1 Certification for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test was definitely NOT a good time while I was doing it, but now I have the certificate on my shelf, and I feel better about myself for having accomplished it.

Giving 300 yen to the local homeless guy to buy a copy of The Big Issue (I urge everyone to support the homeless in their area by purchasing a copy, if available. Around half the cost of the magazine goes to the seller themselves) doesn't benefit me in any immediate way...I'm out 300 yen. Yet I have a much lighter feeling that last for a few days for supporting someone trying to better themselves. The articles are good, too, and I can use it to practice reading Kanji.

Seligman goes into much further depth in the chapter entitled, "Happiness in the Present," so I highly recommend purchasing the book if you are interested in learning more about the distinction and how to create more happiness in your life. The main point I want to emphasize with this post is the distinction between Pleasures and Gratifications. How many of them do you have in your life? Which group is more prevalent? I'm willing to bet the majority reading this, myself included, lean towards the Pleasures side of the spectrum.

How does filling your life with only the easy, quick fixes limit and inhibit you? How many of you reach for the cold slices of pizza in the fridge when taking a gourmet pizza-making course will help you learn more about cooking, ingredients, and improve self-sufficiency? I'm sure your homemade pizza would knock the socks off any delivery brand, if you applied yourself.

How many of you enjoy a parade of NSA relationships because you claim to dislike "baggage" and "drama" yet the real reason is YOU have the baggage and drama, and being with a supportive partner would force you to face these head-on? You dismiss the effort and time required for close intimacy when, in reality, the act of sex IS the most intimate act. You are showing all of you, in more ways than one, no matter what level of meaning you assign to it. How much more euphoric could the experience be with a supportive, caring, and committed partner?

I am a big proponent of the short-term, ego-soothing properties of "retail therapy". Sometimes buying a new purse or a new MAC lipstick really does the trick when you are feeling a bit down or bored. But when you open your bathroom drawer and dozens of tubes of lipstick fall out, some of them from 4 months ago and never opened, well, what is that really saying?

The media has told us that acquisition of "stuff" will make you happy and make you feel like you belong. Both of these factors, happiness and belonging-ness, are strong motivators, otherwise this type of advertising would fail horribly. You belong and feel happy, until the new model comes out. Then, you are left out again.

I would like you to reflect on your life and your behaviors for meeting your needs, and find ways that might be more satisfying from the Gratifications side of the spectrum. Your general level of mood will improve, you will have a positive effect on others around you and on your own self-development, and probably save some money! You will also allow your brain/nervous system time to reset so when you do have that second spoon of ice cream, it might just feel as rewarding as the first.

....but probably not the last spoon of the carton. That's gotta be Murphy's Law or something.

The Miracle Question

2009-09-28T15:52:00.000+09:00

What if, overnight, a miracle occurred, and you woke up tomorrow morning and the problem was solved? What would be the first thing you would notice?

The above is called the "Miracle Question" (de Schazer & Lipchick, 1984), and it is used in various forms by both coaches and therapists. It's a powerful question that puts a person in a forward-thinking state of mind, and helps a person gain clarity about their problems or unattained dreams and the importance they put upon them. The answer to this question reveals things about a person's priorities and unmet needs, and sometimes a flash of insight behind the desire for this goal or dream. At first it seems simple, but in the context of a coaching conversation, it can open up many doors.

When I posed this question to myself concerning a problem that had severely affected me for a long time (I'll spare you the details), at first I could not imagine what I would notice. I posed the question to myself several times over a few days, my mind was always blank. I could not see past this one problem that I was so obsessed about. Around the 15th or 16th time I asked myself the Miracle Question, the answer appeared in a flash in my head:

"Oh no. I'd be stuck in Japan forever"

Wait what? This can't be right. The first thing I'd notice is that I'd be trapped in Japan? But the solution to this problem is supposed to fix everything that's wrong! Why would my first thought, after solving this problem, be one of dread?

This flash of insight is exactly what I needed to sit down and examine the problem in detail, and really figure out if 1) it was an actual problem and 2) Did I really want it to be solved the way I thought it I wanted it to. From my answer, it was obvious that my desired solution would create a possibly much bigger problem. Although not easy at first, I had to accept that what I thought I wanted wasn't what I really wanted or needed for my future. The severity of this perceived problem was greatly diminished, and I was able to focus my time and effort on other areas of my life.

For lack of a better word, the "problem" still exists, but instead of having a stronghold on my life decisions, it is now relegated to the level of "I forgot to buy toilet paper," or "I overslept".

For those of you with issues in your life that you struggle with, I urge you to pose this question to yourself. At first you might not be able to see past the initial relief of the problem being solved, but if you give yourself enough time for introspection, the answer will come. If the answer is shocking, perhaps it's time to reevaluate what's really going on. If the answer gives you even more energy and more motivation to push on, then start mapping out some possibilities to get rid of the problem. Either way, you'll learn more about yourself and where to go from the present.

Champagne and Celebration

2009-09-18T13:32:00.000+09:00

I'd like to welcome everyone to my inaugural blog post! I wish I had a bottle of champagne on hand, but cracking the bottle against the monitor isn't exactly a good idea.

I am fulfilling my dream of being a professional coach and I have created this blog with the hopes of sharing what I have learned through my experiences, networking (of course), and being a positive influence on my readers.

In future posts, I plan to share information regarding life exploration, life improvement, and articles I have run across that might help people enrich their lives or motivate them to achieve more.

I chose the title "If Not Now, When?" because from all the inspirational quotes I have run across, this one rung the most true to me. It is from the Talmud, and in four words, expresses the very core of my passion for helping others and seeing others live happy and fulfilling lives. Truly, if you don't chase your dreams now, then when?

A coach's path is also one of discovery and exploration, and I am looking forward to seeing the impact my blog has on others and on myself as I navigate through this exciting journey. I hope you find the information valuable and helpful in crafting the life you seek.

The journey begins!